brobeforehos | [eudio] inbox

[She's not sure what happened in Josh's mind right there, but she thinks maybe it's not the best idea to stay this way longer. The contact, the closeness, the intimacy of it...

It's not fair. It's not fair, because this is also Hikaru's apartment and she also likes Hikaru, and cares for him too, and whatever thoughts she's having -- regardless of what the two of them have dicussed -- aren't fair.

She looks down and slowly brings her arm down to lie back where she'd been before.]

What's my prize?

[ He's quietly hoping that his relief isn't too visible. That he didn't make this awkward because the guilt is seeping through. He wants to tell her it's not her, it's really him. That he's only ever looked at one horizon and he's afraid if he turns away, he'll lose his direction.

But he's bad at words where his feelings count and he's also scared that if he steps wrong, they'll both lose her.

Elaine help him. Honesty Hour sucks. ]

An apology.

[ Bite the bullet, LaRue. ]

I'm sorry. I think I have a talent for making things between us awkward.

[Well, and here she was going to lie back down and snuggle, but that makes her lift her head up from his chest so she can look at him with all the quiet surprise.]

What are you talking about? What's awkward?

[ It's funny how he wants to lie. Or deflect. Or dodge the truth of it.

But this is Mae and she matters to his boy. Josh might not know how he feels beyond what he already does ( trust, comfort, aspects of home away from actual home ) but that she means so much to Hikaru is more than enough.

He opens his mouth.

He closes it again. ]

Like I'm one step from crossing a line.

[ He can't look at her right now. But what'll be plain as day is confusion and maybe a little guilt.

He likes you. But he doesn't know if he wants to let go of the grip he has on his heart. Eudio makes so much more complicated than he thought. ]

[She was right, this is not the best position to be in for...any of this, really. It's not like she resents him for saying it, she respects the honesty, appreciates it. But it breaks the silent pact, those words that have gone unspoken for as long as she has had them.

Crossing the line. She's still wide-eyed from before, but the expression is due to something else now. With her gaze, she sweeps over his entire face, looking for any little hint.

When that's not enough, however, she goes for verbal confirmation. Always, words are better than interpreting silences.]

What line is that?

The one I drew for myself in the sand. [ Because he's never loved anyone else -- and he's kind of daunted by the prospect of pursuing any thought of entertaining anything else, even if permission has been given.

What ifs are just what ifs if you're firm in keeping them there; because the actual probability of something outside of a maybe is harder than it looks.

His arm hasn't moved. He hasn't drawn away. They're still together on that couch in the same way that they were a little over a minute ago.

If anything, Mae, he looks a little helpless. Lips pressing together because he doesn't have or trust what words he does. Because you mean something but Hikaru's better at putting words to emotions. ]

He was my first, you know?

[ There's a silent something there. A quiet, soft and scared and I was okay with the thought that he would always be my Only.]

[They're words, but they're not all that clear, and she almost misses Nick's blunt way of speaking here. He would've been direct and to the point, and the fact that she still feels oh so tender when she thinks about him goes to show: she already knows, how to care for more than one person at once.

(Fall for them. Love them, even though they're lost causes. Both those terms, so complicated and big and heavy, it's easier to call it care.)

She takes a while now to answer, for good reason.]

Am I making you uncomfortable? [It's the answer she needs the most, so it's the question she makes first.]

[ There's that awkward, helpless laugh. ]

No, it's-- [ not you, it's me; it really is me.

Excuse him for a bit if that arm curls closer along your back. ]

I think I'm running myself in a circle and can't breathe.

[ I. Me. This is all on him, Mae. Please see that. ]

Here. [Quietly, she untangles herself from him, loathe though she is to. That arm around her back was delicious just then, and she could feel her heart in her throat. Still can, actually, beating loudly all through the cavity of her chest.

She fits herself in the tiniest space at the corner of the couch, between his feet and the armrest, curled up on herself, knees pressed to her chest.]

Better?

[ N-no, goddamnit--

He reaches for her a little too late and the way he's lying down is awkward so he can't actually get up without risking dislodging her.

His eyes are fixed on her face.

Shit.

Shit..

He flops back down, worrying on his bottom lip.

And he doesn't know why he thinks it but sweetheart you look so much like Naoki did the day he adopted that teeny cat. ]

Why did you move?

[ His voice sounds a little incredulous, a little pouty, but that's okay. ]

Mae Crawford, you get your ass back here you didn't let me finish.

Edited 2015-05-31 13:10 (UTC)

[Another shock to the system.] You - you looked uncomfortable.

[She doesn't want that, doesn't want you to be uncomfortable unless it's with a fluster and a blush that comes from well-meaning teasing, not from the anxiety that had been building up inside him then. Or that she'd seen, then.

But that is one hell of an effective and blunt order and she lets out a startled little laugh and maneuvres herself over his long stupid legs again. Flops back down on top of him.

Closer, now.] Okay?

[ And what she'll get is him hugging her tight and a relief that shudders through him like he just dodged a bullet.

He's hugged her before, but not like this. Not like he needs an anchor lest the tide draw him out to sea. ]

I don't know what I'm doing, Mae.

[ Whispered, like he's in church which he hasn't been in a while and he's seventeen and confused and lost all over again. ]

[Well, what a sinner he's chosen to confess his sins to. She shifts even closer, slow enough but with no intent to arouse; rather, like approaching a wild animal, slowly so as to not scare it away. Josh is the baby deer in this scenario.

Her palms lie on his chest this time, her fingers playing with the string of his hoodie. She holds his gaze, quiet, then looks down briefly.]

You don't have to have it all figured out. [She looks up at him from under her lashes, this time unintentionally coy.] It's fine if you don't. I --

[Breathe, breathe.] It's pretty much mutual. The feeling. [Breathe!] Of not knowing.

[ Since she's close enough, she's welcome to see the swallow, the way his gaze flits away like he's not entirely sure how to take that or react.

Stick close to that makes sense then. Break it down, make it easy. ]

We talked. Me and... Hikaru. [ What doesn't kill you, LaRue-- ] We're going to try an open relationship.

[ There. Not so... bad? ]

I want to give him that.

I want to try.

[So -- so -- this is confusing. He's confusing. He can probably tell that he's confusing her, by the way her brows press together in a frown, and the way she tenses up.

Oh, come on, she's really that wrapped up in her own fantasy world that she missed the hints leading up to here? What had she been reading into, when all that it had been was this?

Clearly, CLEARLY he just needed someone to listen to his fiancé problems as they related to Eudio, and whatver -- everything -- he said had nothing to do with her. Everything, every line, makes sense in another light now, and it's terrible to realize she would've taken the other option over this.

She chokes on a little sound, then clears her throat and shakes her head, to clear her mind; if possible at all.]

Sssssooo... it sounds like you've been asked to swallow down nails.

[ He barely hears that though, the comment, because it's all tone and not much the words. Because all he's seeing is the crease between her brows and the purse of her lips and he can feel her tense beneath his palms and up against his chest.

For good or for ill though, he's had too much practice with this ( all the deflections, all the smiles that weren't smiles, and the varying gradients of I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine. ) ]

Mae...

What? [Comes out, admittedly, harder than it was meant to. There's no pulling it back now.

And she's not even mad at him, she's mad at herself. Because she's stupid, because she wishes she had a bath tub to thunk her head against and a phone to call Ariadne and share how dumb she is with her. Because Ariadne wouldn't get it but she'd tell her not to hurt herself and make her laugh in the end.

Because, it's not his fault Mae assumed. Mae assumed. She assumed, at one point, that it was about her. But -- what had she told Hikaru once? -- whoever came after them, for each other, would have to be nothing short of amazing.

So, now that it's not about her, but about a friend needing support as he voices his fears to another close friend, she feels mad at herself for being That Sort Of Person. Who assumes. And puts people in boxes. And entertains fantasies at all.]

What? [And this sheepish grin looks real.] It does

[ He's looking at her like he's trying to look past that smile, because the first time you said that you'd sounded hurt. ]

Don't do that.

[ Don't hide. He really, really hates it when the people he cares about decide to hide. ]

[You're not the boss of her, Josh LaRue, nobody's the boss of her. (Except a boy with no heart and too-dark eyes who could tell her to jump off a cliff and she would, because her body would act before her mind could.)]

What am I doing? [Deflecting, Mae? Yes.]

[ Being infuriating that is. Jfc, good thing he's learned to decode deflections from one of the best. ]

Deflecting, that's what.

[Oh, god damn it.] I'm not - [She squirms a little, because if not for your arms around her she would be out and away and finding something to (deflect with) busy her hands with.] Deflecting, I'm just following the flow of the conversation as it happens.

[ He's not going to budge. Something's wrong... he's not imagining it.

A gentling of hands and touch as he peers at you now. ]

What's wrong?

[ He missed something. He's sure of it. Like the time he let Yulia walk away after all the shit with Marcin and he spent what felt like days paying for it. ]

[Yes, he's good at this. He's proven that much on their very first meeting. Is she an open book, or is it that he's just that good in general? (Again, not about just her.)

She isn't going to get away with deflection here, and it'll be weirder by tonight if...she stays. If she stays.

She exhales, loud.] I just - I'm not sure I'm the best person indicated to give you advice with regards to your situation. [Because that was what he'd looked for, right?]

[ God. What are you -- Hikaru's long lost twin?? ]

That's not what I meant and you know it.

[ Getting pretty close to low, quiet and upset because this feels dangerously to you outright lying to his face. ]

[Draws up short on that. No, no, you don't understand: that is what she understood. From it all. The brain, you know.]

It's not?

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